(I don't know)

I hate being sick. That's the truth. It always puts me in a funk.

So much more is running through my head, but this is all for now.

Retrospect

I find that looking back on things after a week (or six days) makes you feel slightly foolish.

My last post left me sounding without hope or direction, fearfully waiting for life to happen around me. I now look at the same situation and see both my past folly and a sense of new hope. Just because one option has passed does not mean that the end is near. I now see that there is potential for greater things to happen and bigger connections to be made and end up doing the same thing that I thought was no longer an option. Or maybe it won't happen. But there is one thing that I have been reminded throughout this all: My trust must be in Jesus Christ alone, otherwise life sucks (simply put).

Another thing that I have been relearning is my relationship with God. This last term, I have spent sad amounts of time pursuing God. I could attribute this to the over academ-ifying God through classes or allowing my busyness to take over, but the reality is that there is much more to it that I can't articulate.

Now, God is placing a greater desire for Him in my life. I know it is him doing it b/c I have been longing and desiring this for a while, but couldn't seem to do it on my own. I know that I am truly loved by the Most High God.

The phases that you go through in life are wierd. Especially when each day seems like a phase in itself. How do you move on when you are afraid of what the next phase brings, even if you aren't really happy with the current situation?

The only answer I can find is that you must. You can't live in fear. People weren't meant for that. I think that I have come to the conclusion that a person must embrace the uncertainty as reality and move forward holding the hand of the one unseen constant.

It's hard when you feel like your current dream has been dashed. But I guess I just need to see that hope.

I hate blogging

I really hate this. Yesterday I was all excited because things were freaking awesome. I wanted to share that experience with those who might happen to read, but I was too tired. Now, when I have the ability to type and the desire, all that comes out is frustration with myself and life.

Sometimes I wonder if people are still praying for me. The reason is because I keep feeling like I can't keep up and maintain and grow. I fail. I know it's not suppose to be like this. I know that God is bigger, but I am still in the same place just with slightly different circumstances.

This is me screaming..............

I need something, Lord. You know.

christmas bash you in the face

I was happy with the Christmas party tonight. I know that it wasn't something "super cool," but I think it was a good time for our community to get together. However, the lobby was practically a blazing furnace.

Sometimes doing a favor for someone else can turn into a real good time and a blessing for you. I took someone to go get fast food tonight even though I really didn't want to, but it turned out good. We had some good conversations and I really got to know him a bit better. I count it as a blessing. And I got free fries.

I wish I had more will power.

Big Black Circles

First thing that came to mind: Camels. The fun thing about camels is that you can ride them or you could smoke them. This thought was provoked by an article that I read today on the New York Times website. The article described how camels were used as tools of war and conflict in Darfur. Interesting, huh?

Ok, this little update cost me 15 minutes because I decided that I wanted to look up more HTML tags for fun. I really am a nerd inside. Well... back to my paper that was due two days ago.

burdened again

Being burdened is an odd thing. It's like a heaviness that you can't shake, but in this case it is not crushing. I am reminded of needs that exist and feel the responsibility, nay, the calling, to do something about it. However, where I am right now I don't feel like I can make it happen. Well... I guess this just means that I have to leave it to God...